A PHOTO

I typically do not repost too many of these “inspirational quotes” or photos, but this one really, really struck a chord with me. Having endured the rise and fall of my most recent loving relationship, this puts that little human emotion you people like to call “love” into a slightly less romantic ideal, but a more realistic “every day” perspective.

Call me cynical if you must, but you cannot deny there is some truth to the above.

A TEXT POST

A Quiet Failure

Despite what you may think, every photo I see, every scent, movie scene or musical passage will evoke a memory I have of us, and will for some time. It is a constant reminder of the quiet failure we endured. It will remind me of who I am, what I stood for and will or will not stand for or tolerate again. 

You and I will continue to walk our separate paths. The same roads we had walked before that lead us together, will now wind us apart. They are not a high or a low road They are just two roads.Two very different roads.

I will have love for you always. There will never be hate. Be joyful, for you are a joyful girl.  

A TEXT POST

If You Don’t Have Anything Nice to Say…

The catastrophic bombing that happened yesterday at the finish line for the Boston Marathon is beyond words. I didn’t have any yesterday, and I don’t quite have anything to say about it today either. I doubt most of us will - it is beyond moral comprehension.

And I really wish, like in a movie, that I only had to suspend my disbelief to grasp the gravity of the situation. But after all we’ve seen in this country, in other countries, and collectively as a generation have experienced, the idea of something like this happening AGAIN is very real. The fear you may feel is real. I hope to your God it doesn’t. The compassion and sympathy you feel for others affected by tragedy may also be real too. That is the human condition. Fear and hope and compassion and love - these emotions are pillars that support the delicate infrastructure of our lives that keep us as a species in check with one another, and prevent us from eating each other alive.

I said before I have no words for what happened yesterday. I check message boards, and social networks and I see that a lot of people have some words. A lot of those words are full of negativity, hate, cynicism, and it brings me down. Remember that old adage that your parents (hopefully) taught you ? The one about having nothing nice to say and not saying ?

The anonymity of the Internet has permitted us to be so cavalier with our emotions. Not that that’s an awful thing(read back on my early blogs and you’ll see some of my entries confronting some emotional demons), but rarely do I see people getting behind messages of hope en masse. Rather it’s the opposite - an online “mob mentality” kicking and beating down mercilessly one idea, one sentiment at a time.

Times like these we need to find hope, strength and positivity buried under the crumbling foundation of our humanity.

The last thing any of us need in our lives is more negativity.

A TEXT POST

Equipment Theft Update

Here’s an  update for everyone regarding the trailer break-in and stolen gear that occurred last January while the band For The Taking and I were on the road. 

Quick re-cap for everyone:

The band and I were en-route to Indianapolis to play a gig at the Sky Bar in downtown Indy. We arrived at our hotel early in morning hours to find that the hotel were booked at had it’s parking lot sanctioned off by the NFL for the upcoming SuperBowl festivities. As a result, we had to park the truck and trailer across town in another hotel’s parking lot. 

The parking lot was already full of cars since most businesses downtown around the immediate vicinity of the stadium also had their parking lots closed off to the general public. Normally, the trailer gets backed in, up against a fence or the hotel to deter any would-be thieves but because of the circumstances, we were left to park the trailer and truck in the middle of the lot. We did, and hopped into a shuttle back to the hotel we were staying at. 

Later in the afternoon after we had showered, dressed,and eaten, we headed to the other hotel parking lot to grab the truck and trailer and drive to the venue. We pick up truck and trailer, and drive to the Sky Bar. Upon arriving at the Sky Bar, we  go to open the trailer door and find the door has been opened half-way already, but our lock was still on the latch, and in fact still locked. A closer inspection would  reveal small divots and scratches on the lock and the door handle and latch around the dock - sure signs of a break in. Missing from the trailer were 4 guitars, a bass, drum pedals, t-shirts and CDs. We call police to file a report, we call a rental company to bring us guitars an drum hardware, and we play the show. 

2 weeks later, the guitars and hardware show up on Facebook in a photo that a suspicious pawn shop owner took when a man came to his store and tried to sell all 4 guitars and the bass at the same time. The man was dumb enough to leave a real name(or known alias) with the shop owner, the police were called and within a weeks’ time, a suspect was in custody. 

Fast forward 4 months - the detective assigned to my case recovers 2 of the guitars, and the drum pedals, but my bass and 2 other guitars were fenced most likely on the street. I was crushed. The suspect was due to be arraigned in court in June. June comes, and he is charged with possession of stolen goods. 

Fast forward again to September - I receive a subpoena in error from the D.A. handling the case in Indy requiring my presence in court to give witness testimony against the defendant. Unfortunately, I could not afford the time or the money to travel to Indy. The D.A. representing the defendant, knowing full well I would not appear in court (due to the costs associated with travel,court fees,and time lost from not working adding up to well over the actual cost of items stolen)- enters a guilty plea with t adding he judge as a sign of remorse and acknowledging his involvement in the crime. He will receive a year probation, with no jail time, and no restitution to be payed to me. 

Now, according to the D.A. assigned to my case - had I actually had the time, and money - I feel I could have appeared in court, pleaded my case and probably had a a more proper example made of this man, proving once again that in almost all aspects of legislation, justice, and politics in general that money talks, and cash is king. 

 

A TEXT POST

Mock the Vote

"Now, there’s one thing you might have noticed I don’t complain about: politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don’t fall out of the sky. They don’t pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do folks. This is what we have to offer. It’s what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. Term limits ain’t going to do any good; you’re just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. So, maybe, maybe, maybe, it’s not the politicians who suck. Maybe something else sucks around here… like, the public. Yeah, the public sucks. There’s a nice campaign slogan for somebody: ‘The Public Sucks. F*ck Hope.’"

-George Carlin

People look at me like I have 3 heads when I tell them I don’t vote.  

A TEXT POST

All Good Junkies Go to Heaven

There was a time in my life that, while traveling with my band across the country, I wanted to be addicted to something.

Now before any of you get on your soapbox/high horses, I ask of you to just bare with me and indulge my seemly assinine desires. Just for a minute.

Before I broke “edge”, I wasn’t even curious about drugs and alcohol. I had seen some of my friends go through it, and it messed up some of their lives pretty bad. And of course I was always taught that addiction is bad - a chemical dependency was something no one should have.

Years later, after I had renounced my straight edge - I tried smoking cigarettes. I wanted to feel what it was like to have this urge, this craving. But I couldn’t get addicted. So I gave that up. At this point I had been drinking moderately, and even that too failed to bring me to ever feel a “want” or “need” for alcohol.

It wasn’t til recently that a friend pointed out to me that my body IS addicted to something - food ! Of course ! Hunger pangs and the sensation of a full stomach were signs of a natural addiction.

But still, I wanted to know more. And finally, I think I’ve finally found something I am addicted to - playing music.

For the 1/2 hour or hour + sets I do, I feel only joy. My mind and body joined together and focused on the notes and rhythm. And it moves me. Physically. Emotionally. It’s a natural high.

It’s the one true thing I hold sacred in my life that will never disappoint. I am a slave for it. I disregard my personal,social,financial,and romantic plans just so I can go out and play and get my fix.

That is my addiction. It consumes me. And every facet of my day-to-day life. And I think , and any good junkie might agree, that if you get in between me and my addiction, that you will meet a fate most unfortunate.

A TEXT POST

A Thank You Letter.

Today, I am feeling particularly grateful. Grateful that I am alive; that I wake up every day breathing and not knowing what the day will bring me. I am no longer routine,though I am re-entering a phase of light stability that I feel will guide me on the right track back to what I was working towards so many months ago. 

It’s been no secret(which is rare for me) that I’ve been a bit of a bummer the last few months. I absolutely suffer from SAD, and I endured a particularly nasty bout of it this year, coupled with the loss of what was probably the best day job I ever had. I had become emotionally unstable, saying and thinking things that were not true or not right. I was angry all the time.  At myself, and at the world around me. I felt like I have been giving and giving and received little in return, and I developed this overwhelming bitterness about my life and my plans which left me in a constant state of confusion that even my closest friends and band mates had come to notice. I wasn’t making any sense to them. I wasn’t making any sense to me. 

By default, I am programmed to repress any feelings of anger and sadness I’ve ever had. But the last time I did that, I lost my shit. I went off the grid for 3 days in November. I didn’t eat, I didn’t shower, I didn’t talk to anyone. I slept. I never left my bedroom. It’s all I could bring myself to do. It was like I was sick.

Eventually, I left my room,called my parents and my friends and told them what had happened and they urged me to come forward with my feelings more often. So I did. I told them everything I was feeling at that moment. And I was starting to feel better. I started feeling more human again, instead of this comatose rage monster riddled with guilt and self-doubt. 

I began seeing my friends again. I started explaining the way I felt more often, which is the complete opposite of what I would normally do. But the more I said it out loud, how I felt, the more my inner fears and worries sounded silly. And the more options I had for help became available. I’m still somewhat passive aggressive in my dealings with confrontation, but I’m slowly letting go, and I’m getting what I want again. We’ve all seen what happens when people well up their emotions, but if you ignore a problem, it grows bigger. A big problem then only becomes smaller again when you attack it. 

I want to take a moment here in this blog to thank my parents, my brother, my best friend Rob, my band mates, and the fans of the bands for helping to keep my head above the water and my feet on the ground. I love you all. You all serve to me as a constant reminder of what I’m supposed to do here on this Earth.

What purpose you ask ? Why, to stay awesome of course !!



 

A PHOTO

When you’ve reached the end of your rope, tie a knot or a noose and hang on !